Cool weather, spring season, flower smell, the motion of fresh green leaves, everything is full of life, wind blows outside in the yard, i can hear it, i wish i could feel it all around my body, I am far from nature, far from source of movement, i can remember the last time i could feel the wind blowing around my neck and moving my hair, what a great pleasure, i was about 8 years old, i had gone to north of iran with my family for few days, i had recently started wearing scarf because mother had told me i was old enough to cover my hair, that day we went to a park beside sea, the park was not crowded, i took out my scarf and looked at mother to see her reaction, she said that was ok as the park was not crowded! it was my last chance, i kept running, singing, laughing, listenning to sea waves, salty smell, feeling the wind, and running and running, i was a happy child, That was the last time...

we went to park many many times after that day, but my role was changed, i was not a "happy child" anymore, now i was changed into a "thing" coverd in back veil, this thing couldn't run easily, she had to take care of the family honor! she could just sit beside other members of this family pretending to be sedate and degnified, just like any other female child i was imitating the elder female members of my family, family didn't expect me to be a happy active child, didn't expect me to laugh, to run, to enjoy life, but being polite and covered in black long clothes i could be a good girl and they accepted me! it was not important how much i loved the wind movement around my neck, there had to be a scarf and a veil covring my neck because... beacues ? why? did i have any reason for this? aha, because mother had said so!

This was one of the first lessons i got, "It's not important what you need or love, you should obey and do what family dictates, or the family will reject you!"... now after some years, i'm not a child anymore, i'm in a bigger society that expects me the same thing, DONT BE YOURSELF, NEGLECT YOUR NEEDS, BE WHAT WE WANT YOU TO BE, OR WE WILL REJECT YOU!

Why is it so? life is like a big race to me! i don't want it to be this way.. you keep moving fast, without paying any attention to the beauties around you! where are you running to? what are these all for? what do you want to change into? why do you have a 1 dimensional life? Im a human, with multi dimensions in my complicated soul, a 1 dimensional life cant please me, what can please you finally? would you name it please! i don't know! silly!

Despite my lazy manner, i become "Sirish" sometimes, means that i stick to something and work on it hard and continusly untill finally it finishes or ends in success, this is how i'm looking for an ideal job these days, and surprisingly i found it real fun! and like it so much!

i have been calling different companies and sending them faxes since a few months ago, after a while they call me and set an appointment for interview, following this process i have been to about 15-20 interviews till now, and i was accepted in some of them but i refused to go because of the low payment.

although i'm enjoying this new hobby, i hope to find a good job as soon as possible, because without a job you don't know who exactly you are, how much you earn and when your free time is. this is what i call "a suspended life". there is no way to give good shape to a suspended life.